The strategies we attempt to use for effective communication are filtered through our habits. Take a look at the arguments and frustrations you experience everyday. For most of us, 98% of them habitually breakdown in the same places. The breakdown points are intersections of a perceived outside trigger and our unconscious habits to react the way we do (visualize the co-worker who annoys you, your spouse's embarrassing behaviors, and the constant complaining of your children for a clearer picture).
People don't think of their habits as possible sources of their conflicts, frustrations, and upset feelings. They never realize their habits are calling all the shots, giving orders like hit men to eliminate what threatens them. To make matters worse, we try resolving our communication breakdowns with quick-fix phrases from books or shaky advice from friends that only aggravate the situation. If you regularly experience this type of Communication Frustration then one of the following 3 habits is the likely culprit.
Habit #1 - Moralistic Judgments
This habit implies wrongness or badness with people who don't act according to our values and desires. The habit of moralistic judgements includes language such as "You're selfish", "He's lazy", "They're jealous", "She's not smart", "It's inappropriate", "That's rude", "That's not right", "That's wrong", "They're bad people", "She's a good person". Other forms of judgements include blame, insults, put-downs, labels, criticisms, and diagnoses. The focus of moralistic judgements is always on who IS what by classifying, labeling, and dichotomizing people and their actions.
Habit #2 - Comparing Self and Others
This habit is used to imply that you or someone else is irreparably lacking or deficient in some manner. The habit of comparisons includes language such as "She's not so great", "He doesn't deserve", "You're better than", "They just don't get it", "It's not fair", "She always", "I can't do it like", "Let me be devil's advocate". The focus of making comparisons is always about rationalizing. Who deserves what based on what we'd like to have happen or didn't happen to us and those we care about.
Habit #3: Denying Personal Responsibility for Self and Others
Convincing others we aren't personally responsible for our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors is the focus of this habit. Language we use to deny personal responsibility often includes "My boss says I have to", "I can't do it", "You make me angry", "She told me I could", "Nobody helped me", "I yelled because", "Why do you do that to me". Believing we're powerless given the choices available, we expect others to take responsibility for our our emotions, unspoken expectations, wants, and behaviors that we claim we couldn't control.
We all have these habits in one form or another. Look where you see these habits showing up most frequently. Are you judging others who don't act in harmony with your values? Are you trying to get what you want with your spouse, children, and co-workers using manipulation and comparisons? Do you make others responsible for your thoughts and feelings? Do you sacrifice your needs for others and call it responsibility? Do you use your company's polices, procedures, and management to hide behind? Remember that you don't need fixing, but your habits and strategies may.
People don't think of their habits as possible sources of their conflicts, frustrations, and upset feelings. They never realize their habits are calling all the shots, giving orders like hit men to eliminate what threatens them. To make matters worse, we try resolving our communication breakdowns with quick-fix phrases from books or shaky advice from friends that only aggravate the situation. If you regularly experience this type of Communication Frustration then one of the following 3 habits is the likely culprit.
Habit #1 - Moralistic Judgments
This habit implies wrongness or badness with people who don't act according to our values and desires. The habit of moralistic judgements includes language such as "You're selfish", "He's lazy", "They're jealous", "She's not smart", "It's inappropriate", "That's rude", "That's not right", "That's wrong", "They're bad people", "She's a good person". Other forms of judgements include blame, insults, put-downs, labels, criticisms, and diagnoses. The focus of moralistic judgements is always on who IS what by classifying, labeling, and dichotomizing people and their actions.
Habit #2 - Comparing Self and Others
This habit is used to imply that you or someone else is irreparably lacking or deficient in some manner. The habit of comparisons includes language such as "She's not so great", "He doesn't deserve", "You're better than", "They just don't get it", "It's not fair", "She always", "I can't do it like", "Let me be devil's advocate". The focus of making comparisons is always about rationalizing. Who deserves what based on what we'd like to have happen or didn't happen to us and those we care about.
Habit #3: Denying Personal Responsibility for Self and Others
Convincing others we aren't personally responsible for our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors is the focus of this habit. Language we use to deny personal responsibility often includes "My boss says I have to", "I can't do it", "You make me angry", "She told me I could", "Nobody helped me", "I yelled because", "Why do you do that to me". Believing we're powerless given the choices available, we expect others to take responsibility for our our emotions, unspoken expectations, wants, and behaviors that we claim we couldn't control.
We all have these habits in one form or another. Look where you see these habits showing up most frequently. Are you judging others who don't act in harmony with your values? Are you trying to get what you want with your spouse, children, and co-workers using manipulation and comparisons? Do you make others responsible for your thoughts and feelings? Do you sacrifice your needs for others and call it responsibility? Do you use your company's polices, procedures, and management to hide behind? Remember that you don't need fixing, but your habits and strategies may.
About the Author:
Life Strategist John Reisinger, can help you learn remarkably effective communication skills. Transform your conversations with those you love and work with and experience Remarkable Living.
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