Making moralistic judgements, Making Comparisons and Denying Personal Responsibility are the 3 unconscious habits that block effective communication. I discussed these in a previous article and gave examples of how they cause Communication Frustration for both people. This article will help you see the other forms those habits can take in your communication at home and work.
1. Giving Analyses: Whenever we think we know why something was said or done based on our opinions we are analyzing. Here's what my wife and I experienced. Whenever Kay would single she wanted affection that I wasn't giving her I'd call her "needy and dependent". Whenever I wanted affection Kay wasn't giving I'd call her "selfish and insensitive". As we studied compassionate communication we both realized our analyses were actually expressions of what we both wanted and needed.
2. Mistaking Morals for Values: A value judgement helps us decide which qualities we value in life; for instance we might chose honesty, respect, peace, or freedom. These are always a reflection of how we believe life can best be served. With moralistic judgements we are attacking people and behaviors that oppose our value judgements. For example, "We say violence is bad, and people who murder others are evil". This was a struggle for us to change our language from "Violence is bad" to "I'm fearful of the use of violence to solve conflicts; I value the resolution of human conflicts through other means". Because, for us, our church was where we experienced the most confusion over morals and values.
3. Manipulation: Is when we are trying to make others unwillingly do what we want. Manipulation never works because counterproductive emotions like fear or anger are not expressed verbally but in how the person performs what is being demanded, if they perform at all. Things Kay and I discovered: Kay telling me how her best friend's hubby is such a handy man never made me cut the grass when or how she wanted. Me telling my son Mitchell, with dyslexia, how his older gifted brother JD taught himself to read never got Mitchell to read faster. Even if you have good intentions (like we thought we did) manipulations are guaranteed to wound yourself and others deeply.
4. Unexamined Philosophies and Politics: Philosophy is how you see the world. Politics is how you live in it. We were surprised how our Philosophy and Politics caused so many unintentional conflicts. There were many ideas, friendships, and opportunities lost to us because of unexamined philosophies and politics that dominated our communication. Most conflicts over Philosophy or Politics are really about comparisons of each others moral judgments believed to be facts.
5. Using Other's Actions: Is when we shift our personal responsibility based on other's behavior we make others responsible for us. Some examples from John and Kay: When I tell Kay I was yelling at the kids because of their bad table manners, this makes them responsible for my outburst. When I accept a golf invitation with my buddies after promising the kids I'd hang out, it makes my friends take responsibility for my commitments. Perhaps you'll be familiar with these as well: "I lied because my boss told me too", "I hate my job, but because I'm a wife and mother I go.", "I work long hours because my boss says I have to". People are always dangerous when they're unaware of their responsibility for how they behave, think, and feel.
6. Policies and Rules: This is when we shift responsibility to those in authority and unexamined procedures. Examples you might encounter would be "I have to suspend your son because it's the school policy", "I'm not authorized to help you", "The computer says", "My boss would kill me", "Our policy is not to make exceptions", "My boss says", "We've always done it that way". Responsibility shifted to policies, rules, and management does not validate the behavior.
Check in with yourself and have compassion with what you find. You aren't broken, don't need fixing, and nothing is wrong with you. Focus your attention on looking for where the habits are showing up and creating Communication Frustration at home and work. Just practice observing. Share this article with your spouse or friends and ask them if they notice these habits showing up in your conversations with them.
1. Giving Analyses: Whenever we think we know why something was said or done based on our opinions we are analyzing. Here's what my wife and I experienced. Whenever Kay would single she wanted affection that I wasn't giving her I'd call her "needy and dependent". Whenever I wanted affection Kay wasn't giving I'd call her "selfish and insensitive". As we studied compassionate communication we both realized our analyses were actually expressions of what we both wanted and needed.
2. Mistaking Morals for Values: A value judgement helps us decide which qualities we value in life; for instance we might chose honesty, respect, peace, or freedom. These are always a reflection of how we believe life can best be served. With moralistic judgements we are attacking people and behaviors that oppose our value judgements. For example, "We say violence is bad, and people who murder others are evil". This was a struggle for us to change our language from "Violence is bad" to "I'm fearful of the use of violence to solve conflicts; I value the resolution of human conflicts through other means". Because, for us, our church was where we experienced the most confusion over morals and values.
3. Manipulation: Is when we are trying to make others unwillingly do what we want. Manipulation never works because counterproductive emotions like fear or anger are not expressed verbally but in how the person performs what is being demanded, if they perform at all. Things Kay and I discovered: Kay telling me how her best friend's hubby is such a handy man never made me cut the grass when or how she wanted. Me telling my son Mitchell, with dyslexia, how his older gifted brother JD taught himself to read never got Mitchell to read faster. Even if you have good intentions (like we thought we did) manipulations are guaranteed to wound yourself and others deeply.
4. Unexamined Philosophies and Politics: Philosophy is how you see the world. Politics is how you live in it. We were surprised how our Philosophy and Politics caused so many unintentional conflicts. There were many ideas, friendships, and opportunities lost to us because of unexamined philosophies and politics that dominated our communication. Most conflicts over Philosophy or Politics are really about comparisons of each others moral judgments believed to be facts.
5. Using Other's Actions: Is when we shift our personal responsibility based on other's behavior we make others responsible for us. Some examples from John and Kay: When I tell Kay I was yelling at the kids because of their bad table manners, this makes them responsible for my outburst. When I accept a golf invitation with my buddies after promising the kids I'd hang out, it makes my friends take responsibility for my commitments. Perhaps you'll be familiar with these as well: "I lied because my boss told me too", "I hate my job, but because I'm a wife and mother I go.", "I work long hours because my boss says I have to". People are always dangerous when they're unaware of their responsibility for how they behave, think, and feel.
6. Policies and Rules: This is when we shift responsibility to those in authority and unexamined procedures. Examples you might encounter would be "I have to suspend your son because it's the school policy", "I'm not authorized to help you", "The computer says", "My boss would kill me", "Our policy is not to make exceptions", "My boss says", "We've always done it that way". Responsibility shifted to policies, rules, and management does not validate the behavior.
Check in with yourself and have compassion with what you find. You aren't broken, don't need fixing, and nothing is wrong with you. Focus your attention on looking for where the habits are showing up and creating Communication Frustration at home and work. Just practice observing. Share this article with your spouse or friends and ask them if they notice these habits showing up in your conversations with them.
About the Author:
Need help identifying your habits? John Reisinger can help you learn remarkably effective communication skills. Transform your conversations with those you love and work with and experience Remarkable Living.
No comments:
Post a Comment